Chapter Twenty-Five

Samantha was fuming. Life had turned to shit lately, but she was beyond angry with herself for dealing with it the way she had been. She never used to be the type of person to push everything away, run from her troubles and close off from everything and everyone. It was childish, it was immature…it wasn’t her. She felt as though she were possessed by something else, some inner hidden double personality that had been taking over.

She leaned back in her office chair and threw her pen on the desk. She couldn’t concentrate for the life of her – every time she started a new layout design, edited a paper, or even checked an email, thoughts of Richie yelling at her, Shane nonchalantly mentioning that they hadn’t talked in ten years, or Jon’s look of shock when she told him she couldn’t perform the duet yet would force their way into her mind. She was constantly reminded of the damage inflicted upon her life currently, and haunted by the fact that she was making it all worse.

She had sent her two best writers and a camera crew to the Habitat construction site that morning, and as she watched them leave, she felt a mixture of relief and stupidity. It was a strange situation – she had felt all along that she’d have to deal with Shane more one-on-one than, in reality, she did, and as she sent her team off, she realized it just wasn’t that big of a deal. They were going to interview him, they were going to write the article, they were going to deal with everything. All she had to do was edit it. She felt foolish.

Had she just realized beforehand that she wouldn’t have to write the article herself, and thus talk to Shane for long periods of time, she wouldn’t have reacted so strongly when Michael made her do the piece. Well…she assumed she wouldn’t have reacted so strongly. Nowadays she didn’t understand how or why she reacted to anything.

Still frustrated, she threw the papers on her desk into a pile, shut down the computer, picked up the phone and dialed James’s cell.

“James, it’s Sam. I need to get out of here. Meet me at Red’s in half an hour, okay?”

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It was busy as usual at Red’s, but Samantha and James managed to score a table by the window after waiting only ten minutes. They ordered quickly and got their drinks before they got a chance to talk.

“Lucky for you I wasn’t busy,” James joked. “Why’d you want to meet here?”

Samantha downed half her glass of wine in one swallow. “I need help, James,” she declared solemnly.

James raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, and…?”

“I’m serious.”

“I know you are. But I’ve known this all along, sweetheart, it’s no newsflash to me,” James winked.

Samantha ignored him. “Life sucks right now. And I’m pathetic and ridiculous and have made things ten times worse…and I have no fuckin’ clue what to do about it.”

“Whoa, Sammy, what’s going on?” James immediately dropped the funny act and looked concerned. “Are you talking about Shane?”

“Shane, and Richie, and the duet, and work…” Samantha exhaled in frustration.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don’t know what’s going on with Richie or work or anything…why don’t you start from the beginning?”

Samantha took a deep breath and explained everything that was going on. She left nothing out, but poured out her soul to her brother, hoping he could help her sort through the mess. If there was one thing left in the world that she knew she could count on and, more importantly, was confident she would never screw up, it was her relationship with her twin.

When she was finished, she looked at him expectantly.

“So what do I do now?”

James looked thoughtful. “You can do this without me, you know,” he started. “And you’re going to have to. You can’t keep turning to me so you don’t have you face your fears. I love you with all my heart, Sam, but this is something you have to fight on your own.”

Samantha sighed, suddenly exhausted. “I know, James…I just…you’re my rock in so many ways it’s not even funny. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.”

James smiled. “I’m honored, sis. And you know you’re my confidante and go-to girl when times get rough too. But I have to face things on my own and deal with mistakes and problems and shit in life without the help of anyone sometimes, simply because it’s what I have to do to make things better. Everyone does. This is one of those times for you.”

Samantha nodded.

“I can give you advice,” James went on. “And I’m more than happy to. But I can’t solve it for you.” He took a drink of his wine and ran a hand through his light brown hair. “Where to start…well, as for the duet, I don’t think you should have postponed it, because it’s really not fair to the band, especially Jon, whom I know just from talking to you has worked his ass to make this happen for you.”

“I know,” Samantha cringed. “But I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.”

James nodded. “Well, there’s no time for regrets. What’s done is done, so you just need to move forward. Since you definitely are too conflicted and stressed out to perform your best, just leave it postponed for now. But talk to Jon soon and figure something out. You have to do the duet, Sammy,” James fixed his hazel eyes on her. “Don’t you dare back out of it altogether.”

“I won’t,” Samantha shook her head. “I’m together enough to know that that’s way too childish of a thing to do.” She managed a small laugh.

“Yeah, it is. And besides, I’m so incredibly excited to see it. I mean, come on, my sister up there performing with Bon Jovi? That’s so special. I cannot wait, seriously.”

“Aww,” Samantha smiled. “That’s sweet – I’ll try not to disappoint you.”

“As for work, you know how I feel about the whole thing. Let the writers deal with it. It’s not a big deal, don’t let it ruin your life.”

Samantha nodded again, increasingly more ashamed at how ridiculous she had been lately. She felt like she had broken down inside and her mind and instincts were on the fritz.

“And as for Richie – you can start by doing both him and yourself a favor,” James continued, fixing her with a steady gaze. “Stop pretending you’re not in love with him.”

Samantha was slightly taken aback, and instantly became defensive. “I’m not pretending, I just – ”

“I know,” James interrupted. “You’re scared of what might happen if you let yourself admit it. Because of what happened with Shane.”

Samantha looked at him, on the verge of tears. “He still has a hold on me,” she confessed.

“Don’t let him.” James said simply.

“Easy for you to say. It’s not like I want him to, but I can’t help it.”

“You can help it,” James argued gently. “I have no clue what Shane wants to talk to you about, but I for one actually think you should hear him out.”

Samantha looked up. “Really?”

“Yes,” James said seriously. “The root of this whole disastrous mess is that you’re still hung up on the asshole. You just admitted it yourself. There’s still some part of you that’s holding on to him, that’s the only reason for why he messes you up so much when you see or talk to him. You absolutely have to let go of whatever it is you’re holding onto, and the only way to do that I think is to finally find closure. I think if you talk to him and hear whatever he wants to talk about, you can then close up the past and tie up the loose ends that were left dangling after the divorce. You can’t keep letting him have this much control over your life. It’s not fair to you – or to Richie.”

“I know…” Samantha trailed off.

“You have got to let yourself feel it, Sam. You’ve been denying it this whole time. You won’t allow your true feelings for Richie to take over, because Shane scarred you and you’re still too preoccupied with licking your wounds to see that new skin keeps trying to grow.”

Samantha looked up, confused. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that Shane is a part of your past. He always will be. You can’t control that. But his chapter is over, Sam, that door is closed and another one has opened,” James looked her in the eyes. “I could tell from the minute you told me about your first date with Richie that this guy was a keeper. He may have overdone it slightly with the whole horse-drawn carriage thing, but face it – the dude’s got style.”

Samantha smiled.

“And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what you feel for each other,” James went on, waxing sentimental. “Every time I’d see or talk to you when you first started dating, you were absolutely radiant. I had never seen you so happy before in my life. And it made me happy in return. Ma could see it too, just from the way you’d talk to her on the phone. You positively glowed with happiness.”

The tears in Samantha’s eyes spilled over and gently rolled down her face.

“And Richie…Sam, he’s so deeply in love with you he can’t hide it. It’s written all over his face. I could see that too, when you brought him over to Ma’s house. The way he’d look at you when you were talking – it was like no one else in the world existed. Like you were the only thing he saw, the only thing that mattered. That’s love, Samantha,” James said quietly. “He’s a good, kind man with a big heart and he has so much to offer you. I told you before that you’re good for each other, and I meant that. I still believe it, even if you’re having trouble believing it yourself.”

“I don’t doubt that we’re good for each other,” Samantha whispered. “It’s just that I don’t want to get hurt again.”

“Of course you don’t. No one does,” James reached across the table and took Samantha’s hand in his own. “But Richie’s not going to hurt you, sis. He’s twice the man Shane could ever hope to be.”

Samantha looked at him, mulling this over. It made so much sense, and yet she had never looked at it that way before.

“It’s time to move on, Sam,” James said, squeezing her hand.

Samantha nodded. “I know it is. I should have moved on a long time ago, I don’t know why I didn’t, or couldn’t. It took finding Richie to realize that I wasn’t over Shane, I guess.”

James looked at her sympathetically. “But now you know what to do, and you can do your best to fix it. It’s not the end of the world, these things are easily fixed with other people. It’s fixing it with yourself that’s the struggle.”

Samantha took a deep breath. “Yeah…” she exhaled, filling with a fresh determination to make things right by herself and the people she cared about.

Later, as they left the restaurant, Samantha turned and hugged her brother tightly, burying her face in his shoulder.

“Thanks, James, you have no idea how much I appreciate this.”

James wrapped his arms around her and gave her a gentle squeeze. “Anytime.”

“Wish me luck,” Samantha joked. “Save a prayer for me, will you?”

James smiled. “You got it.”